Hey.
I figured no one probably reads this blog anymore, which is why I decided to write all my inner-most thoughts in this blog. I kind of blogged a lot of stuff in my other blog,
www.soyabeanboi.blogspot.com, but she never bothered to read it. So there's no point in me writing all my feelings in there, since the only person whom I wants to read doesn't read it.
We broke up on the 7th of October, Sunday, under my void deck. Up till now, I admit, I still love her. I've been acting as if I've gotten over it, but I realise all I've did was just acting brave, trying to make everyone stop worrying about me, and yet keep all the pain inside. No one understands, why I can't forget her. Why I can't stop loving her. Why this hurts so much I nearly committed suicide three times. It hurts even more that she's with another guy one week after we broke up, and this guy actually knows how to sweet talk her and be there for her, yet as she said it, given her "more sad memories than happy ones".
Every single morning, when I wake up, I wake up hoping this is all just a bad dream, that God played a bad joke on me to make me realise how important she is to me. And yet, I only realise I just keep hoping, but nothing seems to come out of it. I always thought the most romantic a guy can ever do for a girl is remember every single moment that they've been together, but I guess I'm still a childish freak. She wanted me to be there for her, to give her surprises like I used to when we first started, to be more concerned for her, to be her everything. Yet, I disappointed her so much, I guess it kind of made her think that this guy was better, despite the fact that he was wooing her even though he had a 9 yr relationship with his now ex-gf, and was going to get married. I hate this guy, Ken Kee. And yet, when I hacked her email acct, and read the email she sent to her gd fren Danvin, saying how much she enjoys going out with this guy, and actually turning into a Siao Char Bor when he's around, my heart cracks. I still want her back in my life, still want to woo her, and yet, my conscious keeps stoping me, asking me why, because she's so happy with this guy, and that I've never been like this guy, who can share her common interests, such as eating durian and drinking teh halia.
I keep thinking that this guy seems so nice because they see each other everyday, so he tends to try to be there for her, just like when we first started in SP, where I met her for lunch everyday, and waited for her to dismiss from classes everyday, send her home everyday, have dinner with her, go out with her. But, is this really the case ? Does she see this too ? Or is it that I've hurt her so much that she just wants to stop everything ?
I hate myself. So much that when she broke up with me, I nearly slit my wrist. Then nearly do it again when she told me she was with another guy even though she said she might give me another chance. This I don't blame her, because I asked her, If i died would she cried ?, and I guess this made her worried about me, worried that I will die, not worried as in still care for me. The last time I tried to slit, and eventually cut myself, but nt deep enugh to leave wounds and die, but deep enough to see blood and feel the pain so much that it numbs the pain in my heart, was when I saw them together in church together, and then read about how much she enjoys being with him.
My friends all scold me, asking me to stop liking her, and try to move on, because during this relationship she had always had crushes on other guys, such as Joshua from squash, Caleb from school lecturer, and finally this Ken Kee. But I can't, and I never blamed her for all this, because I know I was in the wrong. If I was a better boyfriend, she wouldn't have crushes on other guys.
I suck. As a boyfriend. She always sacrificed for me, giving me everything I wanted, but I never really sacrificed anything for her. I made a lot of plans, but I've never told her. I wish I had the chance to tell her, that when she told me she loved a baby and actually wanted a baby, I told myself I wanted to work hard after army, and marry her by the age of 25, so that she need not suffer and be her housewife. I wanted to give her the best, and I always told myself army is just a passing phase, once army was over, I would give her my all, and make her proud of having a boyfriend like me. Everyone might ask why only after army, and I have to admit, in army, there was nothing I can do to help the situation. But I told my mom, and some of my friends before, army is just a part of life which I want to enjoy. After army, I want to be serious in life, and work hard just for her. I told them before I know she would wait for me, and she was the one I truly wanted to marry, because I really loved her a lot, and I know she loved me a lot too. But in the end, our relationship grew apart, because of me, because I was a jerk, because I did not do enough.
I regret. I regret so much that sometimes I don't have the courage to continue living on. I regret not giving my all to her, I regret giving her so much space so that I can ask for so much space, I regret not caring for her enough, because I know myself that I would never stop to care for her. And yet, all I have now are wishes and regrets.
I want to tell her:
Sabrina Mah,
I still love you, I still want to be with you, I still want to spend my life with you, just like we planned last time. Do you know ? I can't move on, because life feels so empty without you. You know me, although I look like a optimistic and happy go lucky person, actually I'm very fragile inside, and lack self confidence. Yet, you were the one who gave my life meaning, who gave me the confidence everytime I needed it, cared for me everytime I needed care, and was there for me. We shared so much tears, so much pain, so much laughter and so much fun, and also so much love.
Do you remember ? Do you remember after being with you for one week, I got you a bear, and a watch, and hang it around the bear's neck, put it in a box to give it to you ? Do you remember when I waited for you every time after squash, just to eat dinner with you then send you home, and run to catch the last train home to Tampines ? Do you remember our holiday in Phuket, all the happy moments we shared on the cruise ? Do you remember me holding your hand the first time, the first time we watched fireworks at Marina South, the first time we kissed in the club house ? Do you remember ?
I do. I remember you being there for me when I injured my leg, and you coming to visit me everyday, even though it was so boring for you. I remember every single time you cried for me. I remember there was a period of time I felt I was ugly and useless as a boyfriend, and you told me that you loved me for who I was inside. I remember when you planned for our first anniversary, bringing me to a place to enjoy chocolate fondue. I remember you buying for me the Man U jersey cause you knew I loved Man U. I remember you cooking for me the spagetti. I remember you cooking for me the curry. I remember you always coming to my house so that I did not have to travel so far. I remember the first chalet we had as a couple, when we went to wild wild wet to play. I remember our 3rd yr anniversary, spending time at East Coast Park cycling, before going to Tanjong Rhu to eat bao. I remember so much.
I know I swayed and hurt you a lot. But you know I wasn't like that in the past. I was never like that til I entered army. But I never wanted to hurt you. You know it. I changed to become an asshole, but I want to change back for you, to be the guy you knew and fell in love with.
I can't let go, not because I'm just desperate for a girlfriend, but because you were the girl I knew I wanted to marry in the future, to spend my life with.
Please, for old times sake, give me a chance ? Let us start afresh can ? I can do anything for you, you know that, as long as you tell me you still have a bit of feeling for me. This Ken may share a lot of common interest, but I can learn too. And those common interest are just normal interest that a lot of people share. I can learn. Just give me another chance please ? I really can't live without you.
One last chance is all I'm asking.
Please ?
Let me the guy you fell in love with three years ago... please ?
I also want to tell you something. To you now, he may be the best guy in the world, always spending time with you, being there for you. But have you ever considered, that he tried wooing you when he had a girlfriend and he knew you had a boyfriend ? He was going to get married and yet he gave up his marriage on the last min to be with you. If he could do that to a girlfriend of 9 yrs, are you sure he wont do the same to you next time ? He can really sweet talk, even Danvin told you in the email, but can you trust his words ? I don;t trust this guy, and I believe even Esther wouldnt trust him either. Yet you're like super attracted to him, and I can't help but feel that you're doing so only because you want to move on from me and since he likes you, you enjoy this feeling of being loved, and so you decided to be with him. Isn't it a bit rash for you ? Have you thought about it clearly that he really is the guy you want to be with ? You don't even dare to tell your parents about his past, nor even your closest friend Esther. Are you sure this is the right guy ? Have you ever thought about the fact that he might be just another jerk, just like Wang De Yuan ? I really don't want you to be hurt, especially by another guy, and if I have to woo you back and risk you avoiding me and leaving my world forever, this is the risk I'm willing to take. He cried for you, saying he was sad that you had such a bad boyfriend right ? Did you know when I found out all the things about him, I called Esther immediately, and asked her to be there for you, and try to talk to you, because I don't trust him ? I want to be there for you always, but I need you to give me a chance.
I know this sounds damn absurd, but I hope you think about your relationship with him. No matter how bad I was, and how much I hurt you, you knew I never loved another in our relationship, I don;t sweet talk because I love you too much and I only tell you the truth. You know that I would never stop you from being close with anyone, because I trust you. Maybe you misplaced this trust, but I never stopped trusting you, unlike him, who is unhappy everytime I talk to you face to face in church.
Please.. although I've hurt you, I can change that, and we've been together for 3 yrs, can you really let go totally ? Can you really use this guy to throw away everything we held on for these 3 yrs ? Let me tell you something. We did not drag on this relationship. You felt that way because you kept thinking we drag on, cause it seemed there was no more spark. Did you know every couple faces this problem ? And yet every couple remained because in the end the spark comes back ? Remember when I told you we should break up because we lost the spark ? The spark came back, and in the end we were back together. I need you to know, that the spark comes and goes, because its created by both parties, and it came back that time when you kept caring for me, kept asking me out, kept being there for me even though I wasn't your boyfriend anymore. I can bring the spark back too. All I need is one last chance.
Don't be afraid of being hurt, because I swear I won't hurt you again.
I still love you.
One last chance. Please?
This is what I really want to tell her, and yet, lack the courage to do so.... I know if I told her all these, she might really leave me for good. And yet, because of this fear, and this new boyfriend, there's nothing much I can do for her.
I guess this would remain a secret till I died. If I died, I hope anyone who see this blog entry can show it to her, so that she can know my final wishes.
I have to say this, but everyday is getting worse for me without her. Family isnt doing very well either. If one day, I cant take it anymore, and I die, I hope she will cry for me. Because if she doesn't, I wouldnt be able to rest in peace. And although I keep wishing for her to come back to me, I also have one other wish... and that other wish, is for her to forget me, find a really good guy, and be happy with him forever...cause that's all I really wanted for her since we first got together... for her to be happy forever....
The End.
